20th of October

It is always hard to loose a pet, especially when you have to get them put down.
There is no easy way to deal with this at all. I had not intention of writing this post,  and i might even delete is soon but yeah
You feel as thought you would be killing my pet, although they might be ill, and my be suffering, what if they didn't want to die what if they wanted to endure the pain just to keep living, would i be their murderer? these thought ran through my head for a over a year and in that time i was causing more pain upon him. But i didn't want to choose his time to go i didn't want to be the one to kill him because i would have to live with the thought every day, that what if he was actually okay what if he would have made it through and recovered. He could have lived for years further. But in the end you have to do what is humanly right, what deep down you know is right.
Once it is done, you feel numb, trying not to flood the room with your tears, it does not feel real, although when you get home they are not their to greet you and for the next couple days/weeks even you fell sad and cry but it hasn't hit you yet, you have the usual habits of calling them over or petting them on the couch next to you and secretly feeding them under the table at meal time and when you go to do those things and realize they are not there, it just feels as though they are away for a bit but after a while, one day it hits you, like a train through a brick wall.
You can never physical see them again, hug them again, the thought of them never being able to ruffle their face into yours when they can tell your upset. Never to see the delight on their face when you bring out the lead to go for a work or give them a treat. The fact of never being able to physically touch them ever agin for the rest of your life, it is absolutely and utterly heart breaking, life breaking.
I found this poem not to long after and it went like this:

You're giving me a special gift,
So sorrowfully endowed,
And through these last few cherished days,
Your courage makes me proud.

But really, love is knowing
When your best friend is in pain,
And understanding earthly acts
Will only be in vain.

So looking deep into your eyes,
Beyond, into your soul,
I see in you the magic, that will
Once more make me whole.

The strength that you possess,
Is why I look to you today,
To do this thing that must be done,
For it's the only way.

That strength is why I've followed you,
And chose you as my friend,
And why I've loved you all these years...
My partner 'til the end.

Please, understand just what this gift,
You're giving, means to me,
It gives me back the strength I've lost,
And all my dignity.

You take a stand on my behalf,
For that is what friends do.
And know that what you do is right,
For I believe it too.

So one last time, I breathe your scent,
And through your hand I feel,
The courage that's within you,
To now grant me this appeal.

Cut the leash that holds me here,
Dear friend, and let me run,
Once more a strong and steady dog,
My pain and struggle done.

And don't despair my passing,
For I won't be far away,
Forever here, within your heart,
And memory I'll stay.

I'll be there watching over you,
Your ever faithful friend,
And in your memories I'll run,
...a young dog once again.

This just killed me, yet gave me a bit of hope that maybe indeed he did feel this and i  made the right chose. Though something as simple as this poem cannot heal the gaping wound in ones heart from the absence of a friend. for a long time i dwelled on them not being here, yet never thought of where they were to go. Untill recently i i stumbled upon a site that gathered people grieving the loss of a pet and it spoke of a "rainbow Bridge" it mentioned this a lot even in other poems  Then i found it, found something so beautiful, magical and full of Hope! Something that brought me an abundance of comfort.

 Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. 

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. 

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. 

There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. 

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. 

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. 

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. 

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. 

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... 

I wish i had heard of this sooner, i am mainly writting this in hope that someone who has experenced this loss, will find this and gain even the littlest bit of comfort. I just thought of all the happy animals running in freedom and all the health and happiness they ever could have imagined. 

Maybe even possibly the fact that they are waiting for you, their owner, their friend, that they might actually miss you as much as you miss them. 

I don't know know what im writing and i sorry for the complete lack of structure in the post but i was just writing what was coming out of my mind although i could not put into words the majority of what i actually wanted to say.

Take care all, and that's all from me

till next time, xx tania

Post in honore of

 Rexy

27th July 1997- 20th October 2011